4th Monday...

This is my 4th Monday of my post-layoff unemployment, or as a friend put it, funemployment. I guess that's one way to look at it... I have an opportunity to relax and do some of the things I enjoy without having to "worry" about going to work. However, there is no escaping the feelings of inadequacy and invisibility that come with being surplussed. It's hard to just have a good time when somewhere in my mind a tiny voice keeps saying "they didn't need you - they will be fine without you - your work had no value anyway!" It takes a lot of conscious effort to disregard that voice and move forward. I find myself applying for jobs that are way below my ability level, for instance, because I worry that I won't be able to do well at that level - you know, better to be the best of a lower class than the worst of a higher...
It's taking me a lot of self-talk and reassurance from my friends, family and ex-co-workers to stay focused on the future - lots more than I had thought it would. I know I tend to over-think most things, but I really thought I'd be over it by now and really ready to move on. Maybe getting older effects one's ability to mentally heal as much as it effects physical healing... Somebody should do a study!

Weekend Gone By...

Today started in a fog... literally! A fresh, foggy morning. I puttered around doing bits of housework until I realized it was too late to go to church. Well, I was supposed to be in Forks for a wedding anyway - we have lots of family out there. Unfortunately, the tourism industry out there has skyrocketed since the popularity of the Twilight stories, and we waited too long to get a hotel room. So - we missed the wedding, and missed out on seeing lots of family. We will have to plan a trip out there some time soon.
This week the kids will be going to Spokane with the baby, so Me and the hubby will have the house to ourselves for a few days! Yeah! There's a lot to be said for having a sense of privacy...
Enjoy your week!

Saturday Night!

I went on a date today with my hubby! We went to lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant, Los Cabos, then went to the movies and saw Inglorious Basterds. It was gory, but a good story line. We chatted a bit about plans for the future and employment opportunities for me... altogether a low key day. Then I made a delicious dinner from leftover pork roast and some of our home-grown scrumptious tomatoes. Mmmmm. We also had fresh green beans from the garden.
Now it's time for bed. Good night everyone!

Sunshine & Flowers

Today is already filled with sunshine & flowers! It's a great day to be in the Pacific Northwest - one of those days we crave during the long, gray winter season (which often stretches will into spring...). The dawn broke into clear, blue skies and the air is a crisp 55 degrees, but promising to reach the upper 70's. Birds are singing, flowers are at their peak performance (though still a little sad from the week of 100's we had) and the beauty of the earth is everywhere I look. Outside, that is. Inside is another story altogether!

Tomorrow evening I am hosting a party for Tastefully Simple, a company that sells convenience foods that are really great. I love the products they have, and the parties are lots of fun because we get to sample a variety of yummy stuff. However... my house is a wreck! I still haven't taken down my 4th of July decorations, there are dirty dishes in the sink, baby detritus everywhere, the front and back porches are rather disgusting with all the yard debris from the summer strewn evenly around, and just a general mess in the TV room. So, my goal today is to redecorate and clean inside. That will leave the outside for tomorrow, plus another once-over inside with the vacuum.

Oh - you may wonder why my "housemates" aren't keeping up with the chores as they agreed when they crashed here over a year ago. I often wonder too. It seems obvious that we are just too soft on them. I mean, most people, if their 27-year-old son and his baby and baby-momma were "temporarily" shacking up with them, would lay down some firm ground rules (which we did) and then HOLD THE KIDS TO THEM! This seems to be our downfall. Our only recourse, really, is to ask them (or demand) to leave if they don't keep up with the chores. But this is oh-so-hard! After all, he is our son, and we don't want to see him living in squalor, especially with the baby... our precious granddaughter! Unfortunately, they have no qualms about taking advantage of our generosity. In fact, I don't even think they see it as generosity - I think they feel they are entitled to all we are giving them!

I wish I had the inner strength to give them the boot. I pray for endurance every day, and to ask for more seems greedy. So back to the Sunshine & Flowers! Helen Keller once said "If you keep your face to the sunshine, you cannot see the shadows." And so, today I will face the sunshine and hope it lights the path for me that the Lord wants me to walk.

Wednesday in Paradise

Today I went to see Julie & Julia with my daughter. It's a Must-See film! And, the main character is a blogger :) She is much more diligent than I... she has a goal. I am thinking about setting a goal as well. Are you interested in suggesting anything? Julie decided to cook her way through Julia Child's French cuisine cookbook in a year. What could I do in a year? What would you be interested in hearing about?

Well, I will qualify for unemployment for a year, if I don't find work in that time. I have already started chronicaling my experience, even though I have missed a few days. My focus has been on laying down my feelings and experiences relating to the lay-off. My hope was that it would be cathartic. So far, all it's done is make me seem self-absorbed and pitiful. After all, I have it SO much better than so many other folks who have lost their jobs.

I got dumped again yesterday.... the work my EX-boss had said I could continue on a freelance basis has been yanked from me as well. I can't see any justification to it, even though I was told it was another cost-savings. Cost-savings? I was only charging a minimal amount... I can't wait to find out what they end up paying another company or consultant to do what I was doing! My hubby wanted to know what I'd done to piss off the man! Oh, I guess I'm a little pissed off about the whole thing. I mean, it sounds like the trainee (straight from kindergarten) is going to be taking on the job of finding a new source to handle the project.

So I guess it's time to sever all ties with the firm. I just hate having it thrust upon me! Seems the worst part is the involuntary ending of so many professional relationships - from co-workers to vendors to business partners... so many people who are going to call and simply be told that I am no longer working there. It almost feels humiliating - as if somehow I hadn't measured up and turned out to be superfluous, even though the boss was clear that my layoff did not reflect on my work personally, just a cost-savings!

Vent, vent, vent... some days it seems all I do is vent.

Well, I guess it's important to blow off the steam so I can focus on moving forward. So, off we go!