4th Monday...

This is my 4th Monday of my post-layoff unemployment, or as a friend put it, funemployment. I guess that's one way to look at it... I have an opportunity to relax and do some of the things I enjoy without having to "worry" about going to work. However, there is no escaping the feelings of inadequacy and invisibility that come with being surplussed. It's hard to just have a good time when somewhere in my mind a tiny voice keeps saying "they didn't need you - they will be fine without you - your work had no value anyway!" It takes a lot of conscious effort to disregard that voice and move forward. I find myself applying for jobs that are way below my ability level, for instance, because I worry that I won't be able to do well at that level - you know, better to be the best of a lower class than the worst of a higher...
It's taking me a lot of self-talk and reassurance from my friends, family and ex-co-workers to stay focused on the future - lots more than I had thought it would. I know I tend to over-think most things, but I really thought I'd be over it by now and really ready to move on. Maybe getting older effects one's ability to mentally heal as much as it effects physical healing... Somebody should do a study!

Weekend Gone By...

Today started in a fog... literally! A fresh, foggy morning. I puttered around doing bits of housework until I realized it was too late to go to church. Well, I was supposed to be in Forks for a wedding anyway - we have lots of family out there. Unfortunately, the tourism industry out there has skyrocketed since the popularity of the Twilight stories, and we waited too long to get a hotel room. So - we missed the wedding, and missed out on seeing lots of family. We will have to plan a trip out there some time soon.
This week the kids will be going to Spokane with the baby, so Me and the hubby will have the house to ourselves for a few days! Yeah! There's a lot to be said for having a sense of privacy...
Enjoy your week!

Saturday Night!

I went on a date today with my hubby! We went to lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant, Los Cabos, then went to the movies and saw Inglorious Basterds. It was gory, but a good story line. We chatted a bit about plans for the future and employment opportunities for me... altogether a low key day. Then I made a delicious dinner from leftover pork roast and some of our home-grown scrumptious tomatoes. Mmmmm. We also had fresh green beans from the garden.
Now it's time for bed. Good night everyone!

Sunshine & Flowers

Today is already filled with sunshine & flowers! It's a great day to be in the Pacific Northwest - one of those days we crave during the long, gray winter season (which often stretches will into spring...). The dawn broke into clear, blue skies and the air is a crisp 55 degrees, but promising to reach the upper 70's. Birds are singing, flowers are at their peak performance (though still a little sad from the week of 100's we had) and the beauty of the earth is everywhere I look. Outside, that is. Inside is another story altogether!

Tomorrow evening I am hosting a party for Tastefully Simple, a company that sells convenience foods that are really great. I love the products they have, and the parties are lots of fun because we get to sample a variety of yummy stuff. However... my house is a wreck! I still haven't taken down my 4th of July decorations, there are dirty dishes in the sink, baby detritus everywhere, the front and back porches are rather disgusting with all the yard debris from the summer strewn evenly around, and just a general mess in the TV room. So, my goal today is to redecorate and clean inside. That will leave the outside for tomorrow, plus another once-over inside with the vacuum.

Oh - you may wonder why my "housemates" aren't keeping up with the chores as they agreed when they crashed here over a year ago. I often wonder too. It seems obvious that we are just too soft on them. I mean, most people, if their 27-year-old son and his baby and baby-momma were "temporarily" shacking up with them, would lay down some firm ground rules (which we did) and then HOLD THE KIDS TO THEM! This seems to be our downfall. Our only recourse, really, is to ask them (or demand) to leave if they don't keep up with the chores. But this is oh-so-hard! After all, he is our son, and we don't want to see him living in squalor, especially with the baby... our precious granddaughter! Unfortunately, they have no qualms about taking advantage of our generosity. In fact, I don't even think they see it as generosity - I think they feel they are entitled to all we are giving them!

I wish I had the inner strength to give them the boot. I pray for endurance every day, and to ask for more seems greedy. So back to the Sunshine & Flowers! Helen Keller once said "If you keep your face to the sunshine, you cannot see the shadows." And so, today I will face the sunshine and hope it lights the path for me that the Lord wants me to walk.

Wednesday in Paradise

Today I went to see Julie & Julia with my daughter. It's a Must-See film! And, the main character is a blogger :) She is much more diligent than I... she has a goal. I am thinking about setting a goal as well. Are you interested in suggesting anything? Julie decided to cook her way through Julia Child's French cuisine cookbook in a year. What could I do in a year? What would you be interested in hearing about?

Well, I will qualify for unemployment for a year, if I don't find work in that time. I have already started chronicaling my experience, even though I have missed a few days. My focus has been on laying down my feelings and experiences relating to the lay-off. My hope was that it would be cathartic. So far, all it's done is make me seem self-absorbed and pitiful. After all, I have it SO much better than so many other folks who have lost their jobs.

I got dumped again yesterday.... the work my EX-boss had said I could continue on a freelance basis has been yanked from me as well. I can't see any justification to it, even though I was told it was another cost-savings. Cost-savings? I was only charging a minimal amount... I can't wait to find out what they end up paying another company or consultant to do what I was doing! My hubby wanted to know what I'd done to piss off the man! Oh, I guess I'm a little pissed off about the whole thing. I mean, it sounds like the trainee (straight from kindergarten) is going to be taking on the job of finding a new source to handle the project.

So I guess it's time to sever all ties with the firm. I just hate having it thrust upon me! Seems the worst part is the involuntary ending of so many professional relationships - from co-workers to vendors to business partners... so many people who are going to call and simply be told that I am no longer working there. It almost feels humiliating - as if somehow I hadn't measured up and turned out to be superfluous, even though the boss was clear that my layoff did not reflect on my work personally, just a cost-savings!

Vent, vent, vent... some days it seems all I do is vent.

Well, I guess it's important to blow off the steam so I can focus on moving forward. So, off we go!

Tuesday?

Second Monday

So I'm not even going to try keeping track of how many days I've been unemployed. Makes it sound evil or something, and I'm sure this is going to be a good thing in the long run.
This morning finds us in San Francisco visiting my brother and his wife. We've been here since Friday night, and are having a great time catching up and just hanging out as adults :) Had a wonderful dinner last night at Tomasso's in the North Beach area. If you haven't tried it, be sure to pop in next time you are in the bay area - definitely worth going out of your way for! I had the manicotti with meatballs.... yummy!
Today we're heading down to Half Moon Bay to ride horses on the beach, then to the SF zoo - Scott went there once as a child, and has fond memories. I only hope it isn't disappointing... memories can often be better then the revisited experience.
Gotta remember to file my unemployment claim... tried last night, but got a "server busy, try again later" message. Guess there are lots of people out there in the same boat.

Day 7... er... 8 of unemployment

Ok, so I'm already losing track of time! I'm thinking it's Friday, but it's after midnight, so it's Saturday already. But does that count if you haven't gone to bed yet?
Today we started our road trip south. My hubby and I are going to visit family in San Francisco and thereabouts. This is a vacation we have had planned for some time - turns out that I didn't need to ask for the time off after all, since I've been laid off. Well, at least they had to pay out my vacation hours so I'm not getting docked for the time.
I did find out how much I qualify for on unemployment, and I was happy to see that our annual profit sharing bonus counts into the calculations. That means I will be "earning" almost as much on a weekly basis as I did while working. Of course, there are now no benefits, so that has to come into play also...
We are tucked into a cute little hotel outside of Portland, OR, and they not only have free breakfast, they have free wifi! pretty cool. It's nice to know that some things are still free.
Well, time for some sleep -long drive tomorrow!

Day 4 of Unemployment

Well, here it is Thursday, and already I am losing track. I spaced out Wednesday's entry! All I did yesterday was mope around anyway and watch 12 episodes of some stupid old drama - boring! I also spaced out having Wednesday lunch with my daughter, which has been our ritual for years! She's not returning my calls... I think I hurt her feelings. So much for mom of the year... Speaking of Moms, I helped my Mom get on Facebook yesterday too. It's really funny to see her interact over the internet at her age! Gives me hope for the future.
I stepped outside this morning and took a deep breath of the cool, moist air - it had rained off and on all night, and was breaking to be a clear day. Well, that changed, and we got a little more rain, but it has been pleasant anyway - way better than that week of 100+ temps we had recently!
I got to take my granddaughter shopping with me this morning, and she was just so sweet! All cuddles and snuggles for grandma. It's so hard to believe that she'll be a year old in just 6 weeks. Time sure flies! That means her momma has been living with us now for well over a year! It's a testament to both of our patience levels that we are still speaking...
Tonight I am making meatloaf. Tomorrow I am taking vacation!

Day 2 of Unemployment

Well, here it is Tuesday, the second day of work I'm not working because of my lay-off. I worked through my grief and depression, self-pity and self-deprecation over the weekend (still working through the anger); received lots of emails, phone calls, etc. from friends and family offering words of encouragement and support; dove into the bible to find more encouragement and hope (and shared some passages on Facebook). I even completed my unemployment registration and made my required three job contacts for the week! So now what?

I thought it would be cathartic, and maybe even interesting, to chronicle my transition from employee to unemployed and back again. I saw a series in the newspaper recently (yes, I still read the newspaper!) following the story of a laid-off professional young woman. I wonder how it would compare to a laid-off professional "old" woman? Let's find out!

Friday, after I received my notice, I cleaned out my personal stuff from my desk and tried to show my boss the status of some projects I had underway. I felt awful - in shock, sad, grieving over a position into which I had poured my heart. By the time I got home, I was enraged! HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME! I texted my co-workers about the event and used some choice expletives... which I normally do not use. I got home and evaded notice by my son and my mother and hid upstairs. Grief consumed me again as I communicated with my darling hubby about the events of the day. I told him I was hibernating with a box of tissues, curled up in bed. when he got home, he brought me a glass of wine (I really love this guy) then went back down to make dinner. He brought it up to me on a tray! So sweet. I felt very cherished and well-taken care of. Then my darling hubby told me not to worry about it - we would be ok once the unemployment kicked in and in the meantime, just relax. Later he told me not to worry about anything for a month or so - just do whatever I want and get my head together before really putting my heart into the job search. (I REALLY love this guy!) He cuddled me to sleep...

The weekend was filled with yard work and housework. We actually completed a project we started over a year ago! The ceiling fan is up in the bedroom! I was kind of numb, as long as I kept busy... so I kept busy! Though it was tempting to lay in bed and feel sorry for myself, I resisted and kept moving. I read somewhere once that motion implies purpose - that seemed to be what I needed since my "purpose" as a earner for the family had just been wiped out.

Yesterday, my first day of not going to work, I alternated between working in the garden and checking my email accounts & facebook to stay connected to my friends. It seemed the cruelest part of being laid off is the involuntary severing of so many relationships with co-workers, vendors, customers, etc. I sent out some emails to the people I had worked with explaining the situation and giving them direction on who to contact for the things I used to do. My mom (who lives next door) and I weeded the driveway. Sounds strange, I know, but we have a driveway with lots of holes in it. I mean, LOTS of holes! We laid it out, 65 pound brick by 65 pound brick, tamping in the sand, lining the up just so, leveling them out. Mom calculated how many holes there were once, but I have blocked that number from my mind :) The idea is to plant each hole with moss or some other ground cover that can withstand regular traffic. Anyway, we haven't finished planting the holes yet, so the remaining ones need to be weeded from time to time.

That brings us to today! So far, I have done ok - no tears, no self-pity. I went out in the garden early and picked tomatoes - so ripe and sweet! The soft rain felt good on my back, and the smell of the wet earth filled my being with joy! I check my email for job offers... none yet. I touched base with some friends. I think today I will tackle the laundry room. It's a wreck - sharing the laundry room with my son and his fiance has been a huge challenge - almost as big as sharing the kitchen! Maybe I can get them to pitch in and at least get their stuff out so I can give it a good cleaning.

Check in tomorrow to see what's new on Day 3!