Cat Dreams

I dreamed of Licorice again last night.

It was just a normal-seeming moment: as I watched my big, fluffy Misty pop in through the cat door, she was followed by her sleek black sister, Licorice. I exclaimed to Misty, "You brought your sister home for Christmas!" and they both just stared at me with silly, cheerful, kitty grins on their faces. It was one of those dreams that was so realistic, I believed it was true!

When I woke up this morning, I was painfully disappointed to find that it was just a dream - again. And Misty was too. She's sitting on my lap now, purring and reaching her paws out to my hands and wrists trying to get me to stop typing, and pet her! I wonder if she had the same dream. I wonder if she's still missing her sister too. Normally, she's very independent - content to sit beside me and snore while I'm sitting at my desk. But this morning as I retrieved the newspaper, got my cup of tea and settled down to relax a few minutes, she hasn't wanted to leave my side - or my lap!

Certainly cats dream - anyone can tell you silly stories of their cats' paws twitching as they dream of chasing mice or birds. And certainly cats are sympathetic - always the first to offer comfort when you're feeling sick or blue. But is it possible they can share their dreams with their people? She was so happy in my dream - it's been 6 months since her sweet sister, Licorice, disappeared (courtesy of the bald eagle that lives nearby) - is it possible she still dreams her sister will come home?

Maybe she's just getting old, and the cold outside made her seek out the warmth of my lap... maybe. Maybe I'm just getting old, and wanted to fill that empty spot in my heart with my silky black, beautiful Licorice.

But maybe, just maybe, our Licorice-ster little-sister visited us in our dreams to bring us a spot of Christmas joy!

First Monday Back to Work!

Well, it's been my first Monday back to work since August - my forced vacation lasted exactly 4 months. I've found a new position, and it seems to be working out great. Just today, I overheard two of the other employees chatting about how much work I was getting done. I think they had feared their newbie would need lots of training!

So, now I am working as Office Manager/Bookkeeper for a small CPA firm called Schram & Associates, located quite close to home in Covington. We have a handful of friendly employees, and a solid and growing client base. The firm handles personal and business income taxes as well as offering ongoing business accounting services - really a full service company! Do you know anyone looking for a new tax preparer? Give me a buzz and I will hook you up!

I was hoping that being back to work would be like a magic wand in lifting my melacholy... but then I remembered that I was feeling a bit despondent before the layoff! Today, it was back to the old pattern of coming home to a messy house (except the kitchen, which I suspect hadn't been used all day) with two lumps camped out on the couch and a toddler in yesterday's dirty clothes putting around in a pile of toys and books scattered about the living room floor. Add to that the stalled Christmas decorating, and it was overwhelming just coming through the door. Scotty says I just need to get over it... right.

So, I will continue in this new pattern and find a new rhythm to my days. I'm sure there's a light at the end of the tunnel - I just hope it isn't another oncoming train!

The brief snow we had last week was a peaceful reminder that God is in charge in all seasons of life. I just need to remember His blessings and focus on the bright side!

Post-Thanksgiving Thoughts

Well, yesterday was Thanksgiving, and we put on a spread of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, etc... followed up with a choice of pies. It was a wonderful meal (if I may say so myself), shared with wonderful people. We had our parents over, along with Erick & Liz and Liz' grandma, and my brother Tom & Miho. A full table filled with food! Now, the sun is shining and there is a definite nip in the air. The frost will soon be upon us and with it, the holiday rush. I was chatting with a friend this morning who agrees that Christmas should not be a time focused on "me, me, me" and what I will GET this month. It should be a time of peace. A time of His Peace - the Peace that passes all understanding.
On Facebook, I joined a group called "Keep Christ in CHRISTmas." Of course, that is where my beliefs lie. We certainly celebrate Christmas because of Christ and His gift of salvation to this troubled world. However, I am not one of those naive Christians who think that everything about Christmas is because of Christ. It is true that this is the time we celebrate the birth of the Christchild, but the reason we celebrate it on December 25th is because, at the time of converting the pagans during the Dark Ages, there was already a Holy Day after the winter solstice (Dec 21) when the people celebrated the lengthening days and paid tribute to the sun gods. Or something like that. The Christians came along and used that celebration time as a stepping stone to conversion - in modern parlance, we might say the they co-opted the holiday and made it their own. Hence, the use of lights - whether that be the German tradition of lighted evergreen trees, or the sparkling icicle-like lights on our eaves, and even the lighting of the Lucia Bride's crown. Several saints are celebrated this time of year, including Saint Nicholas, who was said to have given gifts to the poorer families in his region, and Saint Lucia, who gave away her dowry and ran away from an unwanted marriage. The modern giving of gifts can be traced back to these people and their generosity, or all the way back to God's gift of salvation, made manifest in the Savior, Jesus Christ.
Any way you slice it, this is a time of year when we are preparing for celebration - by purchasing gifts for our loved ones, baking goodies to share, putting out lights to cheer the neighborhood and enjoying time spent with friends and family. Why do we get into such a tizzy? Why?

Saturday Reflections

As I am staring out my kitchen window at the gray skies, wet lawn and rain-dappled creek, my mind is traveling back to Cancun, sunshine and blue skies. Our recent trip was a wonderful break from the normal, and it was really hard to come home again. One of these years, we will just stay down there!

In the meantime, here I am in my little corner of paradise - I love this home we're made here. It's perfect for us... I only wish we could have been here when the kids were growing up. We will be able to give the grandkids what we were never able to give our children: stability. We dragged our kids across the country and back, and though it gave them a good exposure to lifestyles in other places and taught them flexibility, I always believed they would have been better served if we had lived in the same house during their growing-up years. Maybe it's just my own history I am projecting on them, but I think a solid home location is critical for a child.

I listen when people we meet ask my kids where they are from, and they can't really answer - we lived in Washington state when they were grade-schoolers, Georgia for a couple years, Florida for a couple more, then back to Washington. And the oldest was born in Florida, though we moved back to WA when he was a toddler. Still, I sense in them a feeling of disconnectedness - a drift factor, if you will. They are citizens of the world - with no real roots.

But now, we are going to stay right here until we retire, then we are moving all the way next door! It's comforting to know where "home" is for us now and into the future. It gives me a sense of security and peace and settledness (there I go making up another word :), and I hope it will give our kids, and especially the grandkids, the same feeling. when they are "going to Grandma's house," it will always be in the same place, with the same yard, the same creek, the same trees, etc, etc, etc. No matter where their parents take them, this place can be their solid ground.

Still, Cancun is nice to visit!

Another Monday

So, here it is, Monday again. This marks my 15th since being laid off.
I think I am finally "over it."
I think it's about time...
Not that it doesn't still hurt, and doesn't still occupy much of my mind, but I really think now that the timing was good. (By now, I should have learned to trust God's timing more anyway!) I had a long chat with my old (retired) boss recently, and so many of the things we loved about CED have disappeared - not just due to the economy either. The character of the corporation has been gradually changing over the past few years, as the "old guard" folks have retired and the replacements have brought their ideas about corporate management from other companies. Nothing kills a corporate character like diluting it with other corporations' ideals and strategies. It saddens me to see it go, but I suppose a company that large can't survive in this market with a family-run business mentality.
So, onward and upward!
I had an actualy interview last week. I was not offered the position, or even a second interview. Not sure what I did or said wrong - maybe it just wasn't a good fit. At any rate, now that I've gotten the rejection out of the way, I will continue to plug along, waiting for the right position to pop up on my radar. In the meantime, I will continue to fulfill the requirements of the unemployment insurance.
Regardless of whether I find new employment, I have decided to quit wasting my days in "non-accomplishment." I have lots of projects that need catching up on, and the house and yard could really use some TLC. This morning, I went to get the paper, and it seemed warm - and windy. I was thinking it would be a good day for yardwork, but then the rain started before I even got inside with the paper! So, it's back to housework. I have a list of things to accomplish today - time to get to it!

Top 10 Ways You Know You're Addicted to Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook

10. Each time a new tournament starts, you spend hours on end trying to get the top score.

9. Everyone notices that the housework is not getting done any more.

8. You tell your family you'll start dinner in "One Minute" in a disembodied voice.

6. You plan to name your first daughter Jewel (if you ever have one).

7. You take a sip from your coffee every minute (between games).

5. Your child brings home straight A's, and you tell him "Excellent" in a disembodied voice.

4. You try not to line up your three emerald rings because you're afraid they'll disappear.

3. For your employee reviews, you rate them as "Excellent," "Incredible" and "Unbelievable!"

2. You consider naming PopCap Games as a defendant in your Carpal Tunnel Syndrome lawsuit.

And the number one way you know you're addicted to Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook:

1. When you can't reach something on the top shelf in the grocery store, you line up items on a lower shelf and stand there waiting for the item you wanted to fall down to you.

Nadir Monday

na-dir [na-deer]: 1350-1400 ME; –noun
1. Astronomy. the point on the celestial sphere directly beneath a given position or observer and diametrically opposite the zenith.
2. Astrology. the point of a horoscope opposite the midheaven: the cusp of the fourth house.
3. The lowest point; point of greatest adversity or despair.

Confession: I stayed in my pajamas and bathrobe until almost 3pm. This was after my mom came over to visit and my daughter brought her family over to visit and consult on the cabana construction. I played video games most of the day, and squeezed in a minimal amount of housework in between playing and filing my unemployment.

Is this the low point? It really wasn't that bad, though I was trying to chase dark thoughts from my head all day. I finally had a nice dinner out with the hubby and spent the evening cuddled up on the couch watching TV, then went to bed. But at 2:30, I was awakened by the sound of the water running in the kids bathtub. I investigated and found my son washing his feet in the tub. He snapped his head around at my query and told me he'd gotten splashed on when plunging the toilet to clear the clog. Which had been there since Sunday morning. When my father-in-law left to go home. Can you say "Ewww!"? So I left the boy-man to his ministrations, and went back to bed. Tossed, turned, cuddled, tossed some more... My mind by this time was whirling with angry thoughts toward my son and his wife and they way they are taking advantage of our hospitality. That's why I'm now awake at 3:30 in the morning writing in my blog. Gotta get it out of my head!

But now it is Tuesday... time to go back to bed.

Progress!

Well, there is progress on the cabana!

Watch for more pictures as the project progresses!

Wow - Another Monday!

Another Monday has crept up on me when I wasn't looking. A friend had to remind me that I hadn't posted my Monday update, so sorry, all you fans out there in the cyber world!

I'm really getting used to not getting up and going to work. Sleeping in until 7 or 8 in the morning, having a cup of tea with the newspaper, petting the cat and eating some breakfast, catching up with Facebook... this is now my morning routine. Sometimes it lasts until 10 or 11 - in the morning, of course! It's going to difficult to get back into a decent frame of mind for working again when something finally comes along. Bummer :)

Had a really busy weekend - didn't think about employment once! Saturday was filled with gardening and hardscape construction. We are finally working on building the walkway/stairway from the deck level of the new house to the lower yard level along the creek. Over the two days, we cut in four steps, after much "negotiation" on the engineering and construction techniques. Fortunately, Scott and I learned the art of compromise very early in our marriage, which is probably why we have stayed together for over 28 years! It was a beautiful weekend, warm during the day and chilly at night - perfect for working outdoors! Not only were we able to make that progress, Rich came and started laying floor beams for the waterfront cabana. After months and months of planning, measuring, estimating, waiting for funding, and "negotiating" the plans (again with the negotiating...) we had trenches dug for the footings and our son-in-law poured the footings, set the pier blocks, and with Scott's help, shot the measurements for the floor beams. Next step is rolling the floor joists and backfilling the footings. We should have a shell in a couple weeks! It's very exciting - I will be sure to post some pictures of the progress from time to time. I haven't taken any yet - usually when I'm down there, I'm covered in dirt :)

Michael heads back to Afghanistan on Wednesday after a nice 15-day visit. He'll be gone for another 8 months or so. He's spent a lot of time at his favorite watering hole, singing karaoke until the wee hours and hanging out with his buddies. We will sure miss him when he's gone again - our little soldier boy is such a goofball and so much fun to be around. Keep him in your prayers while he is in harm's way over in the desert.

We had quite a runaround on Sunday - My sister, Carolyn, came down from Vancouver BC for the day - she wanted to visit with Michael before he redeployed. But Michael was visiting with one of his Army buddies across town - and planning to visit with his daughter in the afternoon. So, Rich came over early with Anita and baby Griffin so he could work on the cabana and Anita and Griff could visit with everyone. Erick and Liz took baby Aeries to the fair with Liz' uncle and grandma, and Michael went to his friend's place after church. Carolyn made it to mom's next door and had some lunch while we finished up with the landscaping, and Rich finished for the day and took off to help his uncle move. Then Mom, Carolyn and I took Anita & Griffin home around 2, then headed over to Rannen's home to hook up with Michael during his visitation. Around 4, we picked up Scott and went into Seattle to meet my brother Tom & his g/f Miho for dinner and more visiting while Carolyn was in town. Carolyn had to leave during dinner to catch her train, Tom & Miho headed home after our meal, then Scott, Mom & I went to see Carol Burnette at McCaw Hall! Carol's show was a hoot - a mixture of old clips from her show and Q & A time with the audience. She even did her Tarzan yell! It was a pleasant way to end a busy day, and a busy week. No wonder I was surprised to find Monday rolling around again...

Enjoy your week, and I will press on with mine!

Yikes!

This morning started with a nosebleed! (sorry - no photos...)
Fortunately, it ended pretty quickly, with no other casualties!
Another Monday, and no new job, or offers, or anything. It's a beautiful day, though, and I believe I will get something done in the yard. Hopefully my son and his wife will get some housework done also, like they agreed to do when we allowed them to stay here.
So, we put together a rental agreement, and they have yet to agree to it! How do you boot out your non-compliant adult kid and his wife when they have a darling baby girl who will assuredly suffer if they take her also? I say: IF, because we have offered to keep her here until they get on their feet somewhere else. They (naturally) did not find that offer attractive... however practical it may be.
We ask them to keep their room tidy, and currently their piles of clothing, etc. are not only obliterating the floor in their room, they are spilling out into the hallway and the "spare" room next door. Perhaps I will offer to throw away anything that ends up in the hall. But of course, that will only spark strife, and I can't take any more of that. I like a peaceful house.
So here's a questions: Am I trading cleanliness for peace? Is that a reasonable trade?
Maybe I will post some pictures of their mess, just to memorialize it! On day, I am sure they will "grow up" and realize they can't live like that - that it is an unhealthy environment for them AND their daughter.
Arggh! Sometimes it is so frustrating! I am looking for suggestions from all you readers out there (both of you)... and something more practical than "Put your big girl panties on and show them the door!" Tough love is tougher than it sounds....

Melancholy Monday

This is my sixth Monday since the layoff.

I woke up feeling empty and lost - again. I though I was over this phase... But I started thinking about work and the ladies who are still there. I know today is a heavy workload, being the Monday after the 10th of the month. I started wondering who was doing which tasks - Are they overwhelmed? Are they having a hard time juggling priorities? Is someone doing my old tasks - and are they doing them well? Will the work be done on time? Which deadlines will slip? etc, etc, etc.....

I had thought I was past this phase - but then I recall some old psychology class lesson on the impact of "life-changing situations," including death in the family, moving, and job loss/change. The full impact is sometimes not felt for 6 months. Your mind stays in a state of shock so that the person can continue to function while gradually absorbing the impact of the "life change." I sure don't want to feel this way for 6 months!

Focusing on the positive has got to become a standard practice for me again! I have to take charge of my situation - I can't keep wallowing in self-pity and self-aggrandizement. (Of course, the office will do fine. Nobody is indispensable. I was not the only one there who was capable of excellence...) Pulling myself up by the bootstraps has to become a daily workout! I will get through this and come out a better person with more appreciation for al the wonderful gifts God has given me in this life, and not worry about those that have been lost. Even the things in my past have given me lessons and memories that will last a lifetime! Looking for the silver lining has got to become second-nature for me.

Then - out of the blue - my younger son called from Dallas... Yes, Dallas! He has been on deployment in Afghanistan, and we knew he was due to have leave this month, but did not know the exact dates. He will be home today! We will get him for two weeks before he has to go back - it will be a joyous time for sure. And a little difficult too. I have been handling his finances in his absence, and I have got to make him understand how broke he really is. My boys both have a really difficult time comprehending finances. They both crave instant gratification, and will spend every penny in their pocket without regard to upcoming bills. It's a really difficult lesson for them - especially since the poor impulse control they have is directly tied to their ADHD. Still, today will be a good day after all!

Friday Night

Well, another week come and gone... and spent the night with a few friends having "happy hour" at a local restaurant. It was relaxing to sit and chat with other moms about troubles with sons and daughters and the various problems teens have these days. The hubby came to join us later on, and another hubby came too. It was a nice, relaxing time out on the patio having drinks and some appetizers. Too few days like that lately!

Still no positive responses from job applications - which is actually a good thing, since I'm not really getting serious yet. I figure, with a two week vacation coming up in a month or so, it's not a good idea to get involved in interviewing, etc just yet. Hard to ask for two weeks off while you're learning a new job :)

Well, enjoy the weekend, all you folks out there in ether-land!

Post Holiday News

What an eventful whirlwind holiday weekend!

Despite pouring rain and wild windstorms - even thunder & lightning - we got a lot done in the yard and garden. Even had some help from a friend's son & his buddy (thanks guys)! But that's not all... We took a spur-of-the-moment trip out to the ocean to visit my hubby's folks, and were fortunate to be able to take our oldest granddaughter (3) with us! We played on the beach (in the blustery wind) and made sandcastles... it's amazing what passes for a castle when you're three! Our delightful dinner consisted of salmon and crab legs from Costco - a first for the little one, and she really enjoyed it! We had also brought over some fresh tomatoes that made a lovely salad accompaniment. We stayed the night and scooted out early in the morning. A quick visit, to be sure, but a fun one, despite the 2 1/2 hour car ride each way :)

Then came a visit from our 9-month-old grandson (and his parents) to celebrate his parents' fifth anniversary - we went out to dinner (Mexican - yum!) and watched the lightning and monsoon blow by from the warmth of the restaurant. We had a chance to chat with our son-in-law about plans to do some "remodeling" to our creekside cabana. He's also out of work right now, so we are collaborating on several projects :)

On Monday, we slept in! I know, it's a shocker... but we were surprised to wake up and find it was almost 10am. Haven't done that in awhile, except when sick. Then our grandson brought his parents over again and we played and chatted and had a good time, in addition to making some firmer plans for the construction projects. They scooted off to join a Labor Day picnic and we had some lovely steaks for dinner along with several items from the garden... green beans sizzled in our own onions and herbs, caprese salad with our tomatoes and a few pea pods for variety... it's so nice to be able to walk outside and pick dinner! My mom joined us, and we had a lovely meal. A little later on, our younger granddaughter (almost 1) came home with her parents from a week in Spokane, where they were visiting her other grandma and various family and friends. While they were away, my son and his paramour finally got married! It was a simple legal marriage, but we're going to celebrate later. We got to play with the little one until her bed time - she's such a delight!

So now it's Tuesday, and the sun is shining for now - back to the job search and the daily routine of housework, yard work, and maybe even completing a few sewing projects that have been on hold!

4th Monday...

This is my 4th Monday of my post-layoff unemployment, or as a friend put it, funemployment. I guess that's one way to look at it... I have an opportunity to relax and do some of the things I enjoy without having to "worry" about going to work. However, there is no escaping the feelings of inadequacy and invisibility that come with being surplussed. It's hard to just have a good time when somewhere in my mind a tiny voice keeps saying "they didn't need you - they will be fine without you - your work had no value anyway!" It takes a lot of conscious effort to disregard that voice and move forward. I find myself applying for jobs that are way below my ability level, for instance, because I worry that I won't be able to do well at that level - you know, better to be the best of a lower class than the worst of a higher...
It's taking me a lot of self-talk and reassurance from my friends, family and ex-co-workers to stay focused on the future - lots more than I had thought it would. I know I tend to over-think most things, but I really thought I'd be over it by now and really ready to move on. Maybe getting older effects one's ability to mentally heal as much as it effects physical healing... Somebody should do a study!

Weekend Gone By...

Today started in a fog... literally! A fresh, foggy morning. I puttered around doing bits of housework until I realized it was too late to go to church. Well, I was supposed to be in Forks for a wedding anyway - we have lots of family out there. Unfortunately, the tourism industry out there has skyrocketed since the popularity of the Twilight stories, and we waited too long to get a hotel room. So - we missed the wedding, and missed out on seeing lots of family. We will have to plan a trip out there some time soon.
This week the kids will be going to Spokane with the baby, so Me and the hubby will have the house to ourselves for a few days! Yeah! There's a lot to be said for having a sense of privacy...
Enjoy your week!

Saturday Night!

I went on a date today with my hubby! We went to lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant, Los Cabos, then went to the movies and saw Inglorious Basterds. It was gory, but a good story line. We chatted a bit about plans for the future and employment opportunities for me... altogether a low key day. Then I made a delicious dinner from leftover pork roast and some of our home-grown scrumptious tomatoes. Mmmmm. We also had fresh green beans from the garden.
Now it's time for bed. Good night everyone!

Sunshine & Flowers

Today is already filled with sunshine & flowers! It's a great day to be in the Pacific Northwest - one of those days we crave during the long, gray winter season (which often stretches will into spring...). The dawn broke into clear, blue skies and the air is a crisp 55 degrees, but promising to reach the upper 70's. Birds are singing, flowers are at their peak performance (though still a little sad from the week of 100's we had) and the beauty of the earth is everywhere I look. Outside, that is. Inside is another story altogether!

Tomorrow evening I am hosting a party for Tastefully Simple, a company that sells convenience foods that are really great. I love the products they have, and the parties are lots of fun because we get to sample a variety of yummy stuff. However... my house is a wreck! I still haven't taken down my 4th of July decorations, there are dirty dishes in the sink, baby detritus everywhere, the front and back porches are rather disgusting with all the yard debris from the summer strewn evenly around, and just a general mess in the TV room. So, my goal today is to redecorate and clean inside. That will leave the outside for tomorrow, plus another once-over inside with the vacuum.

Oh - you may wonder why my "housemates" aren't keeping up with the chores as they agreed when they crashed here over a year ago. I often wonder too. It seems obvious that we are just too soft on them. I mean, most people, if their 27-year-old son and his baby and baby-momma were "temporarily" shacking up with them, would lay down some firm ground rules (which we did) and then HOLD THE KIDS TO THEM! This seems to be our downfall. Our only recourse, really, is to ask them (or demand) to leave if they don't keep up with the chores. But this is oh-so-hard! After all, he is our son, and we don't want to see him living in squalor, especially with the baby... our precious granddaughter! Unfortunately, they have no qualms about taking advantage of our generosity. In fact, I don't even think they see it as generosity - I think they feel they are entitled to all we are giving them!

I wish I had the inner strength to give them the boot. I pray for endurance every day, and to ask for more seems greedy. So back to the Sunshine & Flowers! Helen Keller once said "If you keep your face to the sunshine, you cannot see the shadows." And so, today I will face the sunshine and hope it lights the path for me that the Lord wants me to walk.

Wednesday in Paradise

Today I went to see Julie & Julia with my daughter. It's a Must-See film! And, the main character is a blogger :) She is much more diligent than I... she has a goal. I am thinking about setting a goal as well. Are you interested in suggesting anything? Julie decided to cook her way through Julia Child's French cuisine cookbook in a year. What could I do in a year? What would you be interested in hearing about?

Well, I will qualify for unemployment for a year, if I don't find work in that time. I have already started chronicaling my experience, even though I have missed a few days. My focus has been on laying down my feelings and experiences relating to the lay-off. My hope was that it would be cathartic. So far, all it's done is make me seem self-absorbed and pitiful. After all, I have it SO much better than so many other folks who have lost their jobs.

I got dumped again yesterday.... the work my EX-boss had said I could continue on a freelance basis has been yanked from me as well. I can't see any justification to it, even though I was told it was another cost-savings. Cost-savings? I was only charging a minimal amount... I can't wait to find out what they end up paying another company or consultant to do what I was doing! My hubby wanted to know what I'd done to piss off the man! Oh, I guess I'm a little pissed off about the whole thing. I mean, it sounds like the trainee (straight from kindergarten) is going to be taking on the job of finding a new source to handle the project.

So I guess it's time to sever all ties with the firm. I just hate having it thrust upon me! Seems the worst part is the involuntary ending of so many professional relationships - from co-workers to vendors to business partners... so many people who are going to call and simply be told that I am no longer working there. It almost feels humiliating - as if somehow I hadn't measured up and turned out to be superfluous, even though the boss was clear that my layoff did not reflect on my work personally, just a cost-savings!

Vent, vent, vent... some days it seems all I do is vent.

Well, I guess it's important to blow off the steam so I can focus on moving forward. So, off we go!

Tuesday?

Second Monday

So I'm not even going to try keeping track of how many days I've been unemployed. Makes it sound evil or something, and I'm sure this is going to be a good thing in the long run.
This morning finds us in San Francisco visiting my brother and his wife. We've been here since Friday night, and are having a great time catching up and just hanging out as adults :) Had a wonderful dinner last night at Tomasso's in the North Beach area. If you haven't tried it, be sure to pop in next time you are in the bay area - definitely worth going out of your way for! I had the manicotti with meatballs.... yummy!
Today we're heading down to Half Moon Bay to ride horses on the beach, then to the SF zoo - Scott went there once as a child, and has fond memories. I only hope it isn't disappointing... memories can often be better then the revisited experience.
Gotta remember to file my unemployment claim... tried last night, but got a "server busy, try again later" message. Guess there are lots of people out there in the same boat.

Day 7... er... 8 of unemployment

Ok, so I'm already losing track of time! I'm thinking it's Friday, but it's after midnight, so it's Saturday already. But does that count if you haven't gone to bed yet?
Today we started our road trip south. My hubby and I are going to visit family in San Francisco and thereabouts. This is a vacation we have had planned for some time - turns out that I didn't need to ask for the time off after all, since I've been laid off. Well, at least they had to pay out my vacation hours so I'm not getting docked for the time.
I did find out how much I qualify for on unemployment, and I was happy to see that our annual profit sharing bonus counts into the calculations. That means I will be "earning" almost as much on a weekly basis as I did while working. Of course, there are now no benefits, so that has to come into play also...
We are tucked into a cute little hotel outside of Portland, OR, and they not only have free breakfast, they have free wifi! pretty cool. It's nice to know that some things are still free.
Well, time for some sleep -long drive tomorrow!

Day 4 of Unemployment

Well, here it is Thursday, and already I am losing track. I spaced out Wednesday's entry! All I did yesterday was mope around anyway and watch 12 episodes of some stupid old drama - boring! I also spaced out having Wednesday lunch with my daughter, which has been our ritual for years! She's not returning my calls... I think I hurt her feelings. So much for mom of the year... Speaking of Moms, I helped my Mom get on Facebook yesterday too. It's really funny to see her interact over the internet at her age! Gives me hope for the future.
I stepped outside this morning and took a deep breath of the cool, moist air - it had rained off and on all night, and was breaking to be a clear day. Well, that changed, and we got a little more rain, but it has been pleasant anyway - way better than that week of 100+ temps we had recently!
I got to take my granddaughter shopping with me this morning, and she was just so sweet! All cuddles and snuggles for grandma. It's so hard to believe that she'll be a year old in just 6 weeks. Time sure flies! That means her momma has been living with us now for well over a year! It's a testament to both of our patience levels that we are still speaking...
Tonight I am making meatloaf. Tomorrow I am taking vacation!

Day 2 of Unemployment

Well, here it is Tuesday, the second day of work I'm not working because of my lay-off. I worked through my grief and depression, self-pity and self-deprecation over the weekend (still working through the anger); received lots of emails, phone calls, etc. from friends and family offering words of encouragement and support; dove into the bible to find more encouragement and hope (and shared some passages on Facebook). I even completed my unemployment registration and made my required three job contacts for the week! So now what?

I thought it would be cathartic, and maybe even interesting, to chronicle my transition from employee to unemployed and back again. I saw a series in the newspaper recently (yes, I still read the newspaper!) following the story of a laid-off professional young woman. I wonder how it would compare to a laid-off professional "old" woman? Let's find out!

Friday, after I received my notice, I cleaned out my personal stuff from my desk and tried to show my boss the status of some projects I had underway. I felt awful - in shock, sad, grieving over a position into which I had poured my heart. By the time I got home, I was enraged! HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME! I texted my co-workers about the event and used some choice expletives... which I normally do not use. I got home and evaded notice by my son and my mother and hid upstairs. Grief consumed me again as I communicated with my darling hubby about the events of the day. I told him I was hibernating with a box of tissues, curled up in bed. when he got home, he brought me a glass of wine (I really love this guy) then went back down to make dinner. He brought it up to me on a tray! So sweet. I felt very cherished and well-taken care of. Then my darling hubby told me not to worry about it - we would be ok once the unemployment kicked in and in the meantime, just relax. Later he told me not to worry about anything for a month or so - just do whatever I want and get my head together before really putting my heart into the job search. (I REALLY love this guy!) He cuddled me to sleep...

The weekend was filled with yard work and housework. We actually completed a project we started over a year ago! The ceiling fan is up in the bedroom! I was kind of numb, as long as I kept busy... so I kept busy! Though it was tempting to lay in bed and feel sorry for myself, I resisted and kept moving. I read somewhere once that motion implies purpose - that seemed to be what I needed since my "purpose" as a earner for the family had just been wiped out.

Yesterday, my first day of not going to work, I alternated between working in the garden and checking my email accounts & facebook to stay connected to my friends. It seemed the cruelest part of being laid off is the involuntary severing of so many relationships with co-workers, vendors, customers, etc. I sent out some emails to the people I had worked with explaining the situation and giving them direction on who to contact for the things I used to do. My mom (who lives next door) and I weeded the driveway. Sounds strange, I know, but we have a driveway with lots of holes in it. I mean, LOTS of holes! We laid it out, 65 pound brick by 65 pound brick, tamping in the sand, lining the up just so, leveling them out. Mom calculated how many holes there were once, but I have blocked that number from my mind :) The idea is to plant each hole with moss or some other ground cover that can withstand regular traffic. Anyway, we haven't finished planting the holes yet, so the remaining ones need to be weeded from time to time.

That brings us to today! So far, I have done ok - no tears, no self-pity. I went out in the garden early and picked tomatoes - so ripe and sweet! The soft rain felt good on my back, and the smell of the wet earth filled my being with joy! I check my email for job offers... none yet. I touched base with some friends. I think today I will tackle the laundry room. It's a wreck - sharing the laundry room with my son and his fiance has been a huge challenge - almost as big as sharing the kitchen! Maybe I can get them to pitch in and at least get their stuff out so I can give it a good cleaning.

Check in tomorrow to see what's new on Day 3!

What's Sweeter???

Tell me which you think is sweeter...
It was a stormy day and Scott was driving us home.
There was a brief break in the clouds.
We had been chatting about problems with the kids.
Then we were silent for awhile, lost in thought.
Suddenly, Scott tapped me on the leg and pointed out the windshield.
Look, honey, it's a rainbow on the horizon!
So sweet to see the visualization of God's promise arcing in the sky!
Sweeter still to know Scotty remembered how I love rainbows.
Sweetest of all, sharing the moment in silence together!
Love is the best gift God gave us!

Retirement

No, not my retirement...
My boss announced today that he is retiring in 90 days. He's ready - he's worked here for over forty years and has worked well beyond retirement age, so we all wish him well. The sad part is for us who are left behind. It's the end of an era - the "new guard" will undoubtedly make changes across the board, in process and procedure at least - hopefully not in staffing! This has been such a difficult year so far, with the economy sagging and so many people losing their jobs. I pray I won't be one of them, and I think my job is safe, but I'm sure most of those folks who lost their positions were reasonably sure of the same.
Even if my job is unaffected, I will need to train a new boss - and learn how to work with him on a daily basis. Unfortunately, the upper management has not selected (or at least, not said they've selected) a replacement, so everything is up in the air. Frustrating.

A Little R and R

Looking for a wonderful place to rest & relax? We spent a few short days at this beautiful resort on Hood Canal, and the peace of the place simply put us at ease. There's nothing like staring out over the placid water watching the seabirds and other creatures feeding and frolicking to turn off the troubles in your mind, stop you from doing and worrying, and just be. We arrived Sunday afternoon, read awhile in the cozy window seat in our comfortable room, and had a leisurely dinner followed by an extended soak in the generous jacuzzi by the pool. Then Monday morning we woke up to bright sunshine reflecting off the sparkling waters of Hood Canal. After driving along the shore for awhile, we found a cute little spot for breakfast, then walked a bit in a local state park. It was chilly, though, so we headed back for a dip in the heated indoor pool with an outstanding view over the opposite shore to the Olympic Mountains. Truly spectacular! Next followed a late lunch in the bar at the resort, more reading time, then another excursion to enjoy some of the local sites. Dinner found us in a quaint restaurant in Shelton, then back to the resort to curl up with our books again. Tuesday woke us with a surprise snowfall, which made a great backdrop for another soak in the hot tub by the shore. We took our books and read by the poolside in the steamy warmth of the conservatory and enjoyed the silent snowfall. It was magnificently relaxing! Another late lunch in the little town of Belfair, then it was time to head back home. All the stress was waiting for us when we got back, but it was great to get away for a little while! And nice to do some reading!

Annoy-guration Day

I woke up this morning with a feeling of dread deep in the pit of my stomach. Today we get a new President.

I am not excited.

I am in the minority... at least it seems that way.

Americans are excited to have a new thing going on. I can't be more appalled. People tell me to be color blind, and I keep saying that color is not the issue! It's a matter of inexperience, in my mind - why would you send a rookie to bat at the bottom of the ninth when you've got two outs? Maybe you get lucky... but is it worth the risk? And I, for one, am not enthused about the idea of being taxed more and more in order that "the government" can support an ever-growing segment of the population that has been raised without a sense of personal responsibility and who are absolutely eager to take a government hand-out. It shocks me how this generation has no pride in being self-sufficient, how they feel no shame in taking their neighbors' money so they can afford their cable TV and cigarettes. Then, you do have to take into consideration that there are people out there who are very aware of race - very active in their prejudice and hatred. I can only speculate on what may happen if one of those folks take matters into their own hands and try to remove him from office. I can picture race riots all over the country, and a deeper dive into depression as people are afraid to leave their homes and the economy plummets.

Am I on a rant? Maybe - but when this country is falling apart at the seams, when our economy is tottering on the brink, when people have given up on themselves and morality is in the dumpster - how can that be a good time for such a risky move? My fellow Americans - the majority of you are idiots, blinded by the dazzle of something bright-shiny new, blinded by the promise of change, blindly willing to follow wherever this eloquent man may lead. Look at history and see where that can lead!

I plan to stand for what I believe in, and stand firm on my faith. I sense the beginning of the end coming, and I know I am not alone. I will continue to pray for America, and for Americans.

Post Holiday Blues

Sunday morning, I woke up crying.

There was a weight on my chest and my throat was constricted from sobs. My mind was dwelling on the downside, and my heart was burdened with the cares of the world... or at least the cares of my world. A sense of dread permeated my entire being and I could not articulate the depth of my despair. So I lay there weeping, my thoughts trudging from one negative to the next, searching for the light: one child struggling to make ends meet with a new baby and waning work revenue; another child self-destructing with debt, divorce and decisions that make things worse; the third child unemployed, unmarried, living back home with a baby and her momma and struggling with depression; health issues, parents' health issues; never-ending housework; unfinished projects around the house and yard; changes at work, with my boss approaching retirement; political troubles here and overseas... on and on with no end in sight. Where was my sunshine?

Suddenly, a gentle arm slipped under my pillow and it's partner curved around my shoulder. My love just held me, held me, then sweetly kissed away my tears, mopped the drops out of my ears, and just loved me. Slowly, slowly, my sobs subsided. Slowly, slowly, I was able to redirect my mind back to the bright side: a beautiful house in a beautiful setting; opportunity for travel; abundance all around me; three beautiful grandbabies; friends and family gathered for the Holidays; the strength of love in our marriage; salvation through Christ - always there, underpinning all the hope I have now or will ever have.

Love is my sunshine.
Now all I need to do is learn how to hold on....